Dark Lord Rob's Terrortorium

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

 

Let’s suppose there was a contest for “The Most Vincent Price-y of Vincent Price Movies”. The winner would probably be “All of Them!” but second place would be THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES.

I mean, come on, it’s got virtually everything on your VP scavenger hunt checklist! Vincent plays a (1) righteous madman who (2) kills people with over-elaborate traps in an (3) exquisitely art-directed (4) period film from (5) American International Pictures. All that’s missing is Roger Corman.

It also includes something Vincent Price was too rarely accused of: first-rate acting. Vincent’s character, the titular Dr. Phibes is mute throughout most of the film and wears an immovable  waxen mask of his own face. This forces Vincent to register all of the character’s moods and nuances entirely through the movement and positioning of his eyes. It’s impressive work that might elude the notice of critics who too often saw his deliberately larger-than-life performances as “hammy”, missing the subtlty, the shadings, the marbling, the curing, the delectable hint of salt.

Speaking of not-Kosher, the plot involves the not-so-good Doctor declaring vengeance on the physicians that failed to save his wife’s life after the car wreck that left his face a mess of horror-movie makeup.

This he achieves by killing them off one-by-one utilizing death-traps patterned after the biblical 12 Plagues of Egypt (you know, frogs, fire, boils, etc.). These are all enacted in gruesome, fun, and not particularly literal manners, following each of which Phibes returns to his sumptuous art deco lair and plots the next murder, with the aide of his daughter Vulnavia.

When this came out Vinnie was all over TV hyping it, and with good reason; it’s an exceptional film. Many have called its hyper-stylized approach “camp” but that’s not really a fair description. “Camp” implies an arched eyebrow, an affected and self-aware seriousness that invites humour. Instead, The Abominable Dr. Phibes is played admirably straight, never going for that wink of the eye that lets you know its all for fun.

This is a comedic horror film, I’m not denying that. But the laughs come from the absurdity of the situations, and from genuine black humor. There’s never a moment where the filmmakers or performers reach for a laugh. It’s a Black Comedy, not a Camp Comedy. The difference may be subtle, but Vincent knows what it is. He knows Eggs-actly what it is.

 

 

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Crawl or Die (2014)

 

 

Hey, did you love the last ten minutes of Alien (1979)? You know, with Sigourney Weaver trapped in a small space with a rapacious alien monster? Of course you did. And did you wish that that scene were longer? Yeah, probably. Did you wish it could last for an entire movie? Well. somebody did apparently.

Actually this is not a criticism. This movie pretty much does one thing. It puts it’s main character into a series of tighter and tighter spaces, all the while pursued by a gigeresque monster. And you know what? That’s actually the recipe for a fun, tense little thriller.

Okay, there is, in fact, and briefly, a plot of sorts, at least enough to put its characters into the series of tunnels that provides the backdrop for the action. Actually, a little too much plot – it sets up a sci-fi backstory that’s really kinda irrelevant. The story would be almost the same whether the characters were space mercs, Vietnam soldiers, or a cub scout troop.

On the whole I’d call this movie an experiment in simplicity and tension that succeeds admirably. For best results, watch this on yr laptop in a closet, basement crawlspace or storm drain.

 

 

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Willow Creek (2013)

Ahh, Bigfoot. Is there any creature in the horror canon that has inspired so many bad movies as the big hairy cryptid also known as Sasquatch? Out of (probably) hundreds of Squatch-horror lowbudgeters, only The Legend of Boggy Creek and Abominable come to mind as movies worth seeing (not counting Yeti movies). The rest are about half as scary as the Scooby-Doo episode with Laurel and Hardy.

Well, to that small list of good bigfoot movies we can add Willow Creek, a found-footager from comedian  turned indie-auteur Bobcat Goldthwaite. I know, I know, found footage, but done right these can be good spooky fun and this one avoids the pitfalls by bringing something a little different to the mix.

Found footagers generally work on a slow-burn principal, and that’s where most of ‘em fail; boring characters and a ho-hum setup has us half-dozing by the time the fun happens in the last half, or last half hour, or last five minutes (or never). Goldthwaite keeps us interested by giving us likable leads on an interesting quest (to find the site of the famous Patterson-Gimlin Bigfoot footage from 1967) and making that quest fun to watch while we wait for things to get, well, hairy.

The fun comes from the couples’ visits to real-life Bigfoot tourist spots and their encounters with locals, some of which are actors but others are just, well,  locals. There’s lunch at a Bigfoot Sandwich shop, awkward attempts to interview locals, and not one but two different guys singing folk songs about the Patterson-Gimlin footage!

The Patterson-Gimlin footage is the original “found footage” movie – a few shaky seconds of a female Sasquatch striding shot with an 8mm camera. Its authenticity is still debated; a “deathbed confession” by an alleged confederate doesn’t add up and – let’s be honest – the creature in the footage looks a hell of a lot more realistic than any bigfoot Hollywood’s come up with. On the other hand, it’s been almost fifty years of increasingly cheap and sophisticated cameras and no one’s come up with anything remotely similar since.

But the creek bed where they shot the film is a ways off the beaten path, 29 miles or so. After some laughs and some foreshadowing, our intrepid duo head out into the wilderness.

Once the sun sets the eeriness happens. The film’s showpiece is a long sequence set entirely within the tent as our heroes listen to weird noises occur off in the darkness. It’s almost twenty minutes long but holds the interest with its increasing sense of the uncanny.

When I was a kid I was a Cryptozoology buff, the sort of nerd who could tell you the difference between a yeti, a teh-lma, and a meh-teh and list the nine types of sea serpents off the top of my head (my favorite: the merhorse). I’m happy to report that this is one of the better crypto-creature movies, certainly in the top ten (actually I can’t think of that many good ones). Recommended.

 

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Black Sunday (1960)

 

Like many imported horror movies Black Sunday is known by several names, including the one above (the British release title, which is closer to the original Italian title La Maschera del Demonio). Those two names are more descriptive of the plot but you know what? I prefer the more well-known albeit less-informative handle that AIP slapped on it for the US release (despite its titular similarity to a book and movie about a blimp that fails to blow up the Superbowl)(spoiler)(BTW said book was written by Hannibal Lecter creator Thomas Harris. I bet Hannibal hates the Superbowl too).

There’s almost no football in this Black Sunday. What there is instead is atmosphere, great dripping gobs of the stuff. This is a spooky, spooky film.

This is the first entire film directed by maestro Mario Bava (he did clean-up work on three previous pictures) and it’s a stunning debut. One of the hallmarks of Bava’s later work is his stunning use of color. But on the other hand…

 

This is a beautiful-looking production with rich contrasts and moody design work. If he never directed a color feature or indeed, never directed another feature at all this movie would be enough to cement his reputation as one of the most dynamic of horror stylists.

I’ve gone on a bit about the haunted beauty of the movie’s style. Okay, you say, groovy, you say, nifty keeno Bieberrific you also say. What about the movie itself? What about the story?

The movie begins with a stunning, influential scene: a witch (Barbara Steele) is condemned to death . Before she dies she curses her accusers; then a horrifying metal demon mask is nailed onto her face! Strong stuff for 1960 (the same year that Psycho broke gore ground as well).

Then it’s years later and two travellers accidentally drip blood onto her corpse while accidentally breaking into her vault and accidentally run into her descendant (also played by Barbara Steele) and then, well let’s just say… antics ensue.

Okay, the plot isn’t much but that’s true of most horror classics really. (You can write the plot of The Evil Dead on your thumbnail). What makes this a winner and a Halloween must-watch is the atmosphere and grim sense of malevolence that powers the story. One of the greatest horror films of the 60s (and that’s saying a lot).

 

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You’re Next (2011)

It took me a while to get around to seeing this well-regarded film from a few years back. Did I like it as much as everyone else? Yeah, pretty much.

The plot is horror-movie simple: Erin (Sharni Vinson) accompanies her boyfriend to a family get-together at his rich parent’s big ol’ house in the middle of nowhere. Before you can say “You were home” they’re all stalked and slaughtered by a trio in weird masks.

If that sounds a bit like “The Strangers” you can relax, this is a very different kettle of gore. Turns out Erin is really, really good at surviving and pretty soon the blood is flowing from all directions.

The movie moves quickly and a good amount of thrills and tension are delivered. The fun cast includes Barbara Crampton (who honestly looks too young to be the family matriarch, sorry Barbara!) and horror directors Ti West and Larry Fessenden.

The only thing that keeps it from attaining any sort of classic status is the “reveal”. Without spoiling anything, I’ll just hint that it grounds the movie too much, making it more of a “thriller” than a “horror” movie. Sort of like the film “Severance” a few years back, though saying that doesn’t give anything away; I’m talking tonally here.

That’s just a quibble, tho. Whatever you want to call it, it gets your heart racing. See it! (Though of course at this point I was the only one who hadn’t).

 

 

 

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Haunter (2013)

We start this Halloween season with a fun little spooker  starring Zombieland’s Abigail Breslin. This has a cool premise, which is what got my attention and made me want to see it:

It’s a Musical!

Haunter starts where a lot of ghost movies end: the main character is a g-g-g-ghost! And so is her whole family. They spend their time repeating the same day over and over, the day they died (only without the death). To make things even more terrifying, they’re stuck in the 80s!

We’re all still haunted by THIS spooky specter.

Actually, it’s not that scary for them, just kind of monotonous. And they don’t even notice! Arrrgh! Parents just don’t get it! Abigail does, though.

Then as now, Siouxsie shirts and Bowie posters convey magic powers.

Before you can say “I see live people!” Abi is being haunted by strange sounds, voices and even an apparition or two.

“Hello, I too enjoy the thin white duke’s Berlin period.”

This movie has all the hallmarks of being based upon a YA novel, and I mean that in a good way. It’s got a strong story, likable characters, an involving mystery and a few light chills.

Another sign it’s a horror movie for teens.

On the other hand, it’s goreless and ultimately kind of friendly. That’s OK with me but I know some horror fans see any movie that doesn’t at least include some flaying as an insult to their sense of decorum.

You’re telling me there isn’t ONE spilled intestine in this thing?

So what? I liked it. It got the season off to a good start. Thumbs up.

 

 

 

 

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Countdown to Halloween 2014 approaches!

Hey! It’s that fantastic time of year again and as usual I’ll be participating in the Countdown to Halloween! Unlike previous years I’ve gotten started early so maybe just maybe I’ll have a post every day (or so) this year! The fun starts October 1, same bat-time, same bat-channel!

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Frankenstein’s Army (2013)

All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is found footage time once again and you know what that means; I have to yell “get back here!” before you flee this review and click over to something else, like maybe a Buzzfeed quiz on “Which Little Pony am I?” (I’m Princess Sparklefeather).

But  you should stick around for this one, ’cause it’s some serious fun. I really had a good time with this zany, gory delight.

Our story takes place toward the end of WWII, as a squad of Soviet soldiers is off on a secret mission in Germany. As a propaganda exercise, their exploits are being filmed (or so they are led to believe). They fight some soldiers, brutalize some civilians, etc. etc. But as they move deeper into German territory they encounter some weirdness. Empty graves, skeletons that seem to be weird human/metal hybrids, etc. etc. But everything goes south when an “innocent villager” found tending rabbits (aww!) sends them off into some tunnels under abandoned church. And before you can say “monsters with sickle hands”…

There are a lot of things to like about this movie. First, the slow buildup works well but doesn’t take up too much screen time – too many “found footagers” are all buildup with the action only coming in the last few minutes (if at all – I’m looking at you, Frankenstein Theory). Here, we get monster goodness right in the second act. And what monsters!

They keep on coming through the film, each one weirder and more grotesque than the last. My favorite is “Propellerhead” (which I won’t spoil with a screen grab), but you might find Clamphead or Sawhands more to your liking. It’s a big world, and there is room for all tastes.

It all ends up at Frankenstein’s factory, where half the film’s budget seems to have been spent on buckets o’ grue. I’m not a huge fan of gore movies, but this is such a romp in gleeful grand guignol that I watched it with a big sick grin on my face. Sure, whiners may quibble: this “Russian” found footage is in “English” (though spoken with a Russian accent, so there’s that little nod to authenticity); it’s anachronistically in color and sound (though they make a lame stab at explaining this); and most of film’s middle third is a long series of pop-up scares not unlike a theme park haunted house (though why the hell this would be a complaint is beyond me). All in all, it’s a sick little gem and one of the most fun horror films I’ve seen since Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil.

 

 

 

 

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Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (1955)

And so here we are at the end of our little Abbott and Costello retrospective. For a team that was working with spooky themes almost from their outset (Hold that Ghost was their second starring feature filmed, remember) it is fitting that their final film for Universal (they made one more, Dance With Me Henry) should be a spook-fest.

However, this final monster team-up is generally regarded one of their worst ever. Having rewatched most of their Universal pics recently I’d say that’s not really that derogatory a remark, as the quality of their work for the studio remained constant. Nevertheless, people don’t like this one. Why?

 

Honestly, I had that opinion as well. But this rewatch opened my eyes a little. From the outset, this is not a weak A+C comedy but, in fact, a superior one.  The duo are in top form and work together with an accustomed precision. The first two acts are quite funny, and the supporting cast includes Marie Windsor, Michael “Kang the Klingon” Ansara, and The Dick van Dyke Show‘s Richard Deacon (also memorable in The Thing From Another World) improbably cast as an Egyptian cult leader. So why the hate?

It’s pretty simple, really. The last act, which features not one but three mummies wandering around (and one is Bud) sounds like it should be funnier than it plays. It’s not bad, but never rises to the level of zany and we leave the film feeling slightly underwhelmed.

This is one of the rare times that Bud and Lou play characters named “Bud” and “Lou” rather than “Slim” and “Tubby” or “Svelte” and “Fatso” or some other names designed to delight the tempremental Costello. It’s also the only one of their monster-mashes that features trademark A+C verbal humor aside from the usual double-takes and slapstick.

The production values are high and there’s a good creepy atmosphere in the tomb sequences. The opening musical number is mostly acrobatics and has a murder theme, so even that part is above average (and its interspersed with a fun bit where an unusually quick-thinking Lou reacts to a flaming shish-kebab by dousing it and Bud with water).

If you’re one of those who never watched this ’cause you heard it sucked, I say take a look; if you’re one of those who always loved it but felt guilty because no one else did, then I say you were right all along, sir or madam!

 

 

 

 

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Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1953)

We’re nearing the end of our Halloween look back at Abbott and Costello’s horror-ish comedies, and not coincidentally nearing the end of their career as a team – they only did three more after this one. They’d been making movies for not much over a decade and this was movie number 30, give or take… and critics usually make a point of noting how “tired” they seem in these “lackluster” final outings. Are the critics right?

Nah. Bud and Lou go about their business here with customary vigor and their screen chemistry and timing are drum-tight (concurrently with this movie they were also shooting their TV series, which critics have called “their best work” – so which is it, “they’re tired” or “at their peak”?). However, there is one aspect of the movie that may explain why it’s so maligned compared to its actual merits.

There is an unspoken rule in A+C movies. While there may be a brief bit at the film’s opening that establishes the central conflict and tone, we are immediately thereafter introduced to Our Heroes, usually in a comic sequence that establishes their characters. Here, once again, we have that brief opening bit – Mr. Hyde attacking someone – then we meet some suffragettes, then they turn out to be dance-hall girls who perform an excruciating musical number, then there’s a fight scene (and I left out the sexist flirt-dialogue between the film’s romantic leads) and only then, FINALLY, do we encounter Bud and Lou, almost seven minutes into the movie (but it seems longer). SO right away it feels like an Abbott and Costello film without Abbott and Costello, and we’re bored and annoyed. From there it’s a bit of an uphill battle to get us involved in what’s going on – Bud and Lou seem absent, even though they’re the focus of the next 80 minutes or so.

But overall, once we’re over that hurdle, this is a funny outing. Bud and Lou play American cops sent overseas to learn British police techniques. It’s the 19th century, and a mysterious killer stalks the streets of London. Is there some connection between this hairy killer and the impeccably upstanding gentleman’s gentleman, Dr Henry Jekyll?

That’s Boris Karloff, of course, in his second A+C outing (interestingly, fellow screen Frankensteins Lon Chaney Jr. and Glenn Strange also did two A+C films each) and in this case we get much more Boris than we did in the film that had his name in the title. His jekyll is interesting in that he knows he’s Hyde and takes his serum to release the Id side of his nature. He also keeps several transforming serae (that’s the plural of serum, right?) lying around in his basement lab, which Costello gets injected with of course.

And of course later on Lou turns into a shorter Mr. Hyde and menaces people. Eventually there’s rooftop chase between Bud, the two Hydes and romantic lead Craig “Deadly Mantis” Stevens that reminded me of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

As usual the production values are superb and there’s even a Costello/Frankenstein rematch in a wax museum. Yep, Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is much better than its rep and a fine entry in the A+C vs.Evil canon. Now, what about the next and final film in the series, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, often considered one of their worst? Find out next time!

 

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